Answering Machine messages from the Confederacy

Just received this VHS tape of some answering machine messages from the troops...heartbreaking...hang in there kid!

Mud March

Now, I'm not the type of blogger to get upset about every thing our opponents say, but this video (see image) is really too much. General Burnside, who demonstrated such bravery and leadership at Antietam that his troops have nicknamed the bridge they fought for after him. Every great leader has his failures, even the great Napoleon who got mired in a Russian winter. So it is beyond insulting that soldiers on both sides are referring to his abortive attempt to cross the river and defeat Robert E. Lee's traitor army as the "Mud March" -- and even worse that their bloggers and musicians are having such fun with it! I am offended! It's not as if we get all full of ourselves and write songs every time the Confederacy makes a mistake or loses a battle. This kind of thing is so beneath us all, and makes a mockery of this war.

Lincoln's birth certificate?

A few things have come to light recently regarding Lincolns presidency. Specifically if according to the Constitution. I don't know if you're still honoring that, I know we aren't. It seems there might be a few issues with Lincoln's eligibility to even be president. Not that we care or anything, just thought it was another example of northern hypocrisy.

So the South has started a petition to see Lincoln's birth certificate.

Because it's most likely been FAKED!

The Battle of Fredericksburg

	Since this isn't Mclellan, whose honor do I have defeating in ichat as well as on the field this time?
	Defeating?!?
	I, General Ambrose Burnside of Rhode Island shall suffer no defeat at your hands
	well I wouldn't call antietam a 'victory'
	Antietam was victory enuff, got you out of Maryland didn'it
	we dropped back ....
	to clean the shit out of your pants?
	It's a good thing you're taking your sweet time with the Mclellan playbook
	we've had plenty of time setting up defensive positions
	don't blame me, I want to move fast
	damn Army Corps of Engineers
	I don't think you'll be defeating us so easily
	I should send them down to New Orleans to build levies
	in fact what am I talking about? We'll be up to washington soon nuff
	What a pathetic time to emancipate slaves
	it's so obvious
	lincoln is desparate to seem important
	'Mission accomplished'
	Hey guess what?
	even now it seems you can't get a bridge across thanks to my sharpshooters
	My barges have arrived
	when will you learn?
	time to build a bridge to Fredericksburg
	I've learned.....
	what's that?
	LOL LOL ROTFL
	Those are some biggass gunz driving your sharpshooters out of town
	i'm comin'!!!
	well, that not exactly a fair fight
	They'll be waiting in every church steeple and upper floor
	cowards come out and fight like men
	this kind of fighting is what repelled the british
	you would call those men cowards?
	Ridiculous
	I'm sure you'd prefer british rule
	douche
	i'm sure you'd prefer mob rule!
	mob rule? Is that what you call wanting to govern ourselves?
	no order, just slaveholders and the poor people you oppress
	you don't want to govern yourselves
	you just don't want to admit that you are wrong
	Oh right and there are no 'slaves' in the north
	no child labor, no corruption
	wrong?!!!
	We're fighting for independence
	Didn't we go thru this when Jackson was pres?
	you lost then in the debate
	I don't have time to argue the finer points...AP and DH need some artillery
	you'll lose now in the face of hot lead and cold, hard Union grit
	yur rite, time for fighting
	men, forward & take those heights!!!
	why is it that when we're seemingly outnumbered, outgunned, we end up winning?
	It's really pathetic
	your pathetic
	we obviously are just better soldiers
	period
	well not this time
	my guys are at that stone wall at the foot of the heights
	about to kick some ass
	actually we've separated your attack and are just about to drive you back over the river
	not even close
	my left is totally on top of you
	smith, reynolds and franklin kick ass!
	Oh you mean 'Lee's Hill'?
	you can't just name a hill after yourself!!!
	what if I just named a bridge after myself!?!?
	lolz, i did at Antietam......
	I didn't name it...but when you keep something so long...it kind of seems like it's mine
	not for long
	the bridge i mean
	so I've got the town, the fields to the east, and tons of guys about to fuck you up
	this battle is mine
	hmmmmmm
	seems like you have some tough boys on those heights
	and artillery
	yep
	artillery
	i hadn't planned on that ditch in the middle of the field
	I love that you group everyone together
	making a mess of my lines
	it's a much easier taregt
	dam this keyboard
	iphone?
	those things are hard to write on
	iphone? Yea right. I have an old windows laptop
	sux 2 b u
	this yankee contraption isn't worth shit!
	figures
	i thought bill gates was from the frontier state of california
	I am happy to report another failed attampt at the hill
	we'll get those heights if I have to take them myself!
	damn that old man sumner
	please...try
	i asked you to shoot him at antietam
	hooker fights tho
	and he luvs da booty
	shoot him? Bring him within range
	do I need to know this?
	fightin' joe will save the day!
	You are never taking this hill
	i'm starting to think you might be right about that
	By all means...keep trying
	it's winter
	xmas is coming
	maybe we should all just relax for a while
	have some eggnog
	sure, in the white house!
	the confederate white house
	there is no confederacy! only traitors!
	You'll join Mclellan soon enough
	look
	this whole battle sucks
	With bloodthirsty Lincoln at the helm
	i'm going to go back across the river now and open presents
	you keep your stupid hill
	he's hellbent on killing every last one of you!
	I'm beginning to think he's on our side!
	HA
	you still talking aobut lincoln?
	LOLZ
	while you retreat.... yes
	look you suck so I'm gonna go back across the river and think of a new plan ok?
	kthxbay
	You decimated a good southern town sir
	it will not be fogotten
	there is no such thing as a good southern town
	only rebel towns and smoking craters
	do you think that this will unify the states?
	Laying down one of your own cities?
	This is madness
	many cities will suffer but Union will prevail!
	the cause of the slave is just and right and must be fought to it's conclusion
	I'm going to be the better man here and let you attend to the countless dying men on the hill
	that's my gift to you
	before they freeze to death
	um.... thx i guess
	bye for now
	merry xmas
	traitor
	I'll try to in this shell of a town you've left
	it only makes us stronger
	goodbye

Burnside

Sorry it's been a while since I've said hi, things have been very busy up here. Maybe you heard? Lincoln finally got sick of McClellan and replaced him with General Ambrose Burnside. Things are looking up!

After the great work Burnside did at the lower bridge at Antietam, he was the obvious choice to lead the army. Sure, Hooker did all the serious work in the Cornfield, and Burnside was a little slow getting across that bridge, and then was surprised by Hill's flank attack and pushed back across the bridge, but he is still the best man we have for the job.

Oh, and FYI, we know you're hiding behind the Rappahannock River and Burnside has a big Christmans present in store for you!!!

Here is a picture of the Commanding General with his best staff officers, Enus and Cletus.

Bacon

Here's one thing you northerners could never come up with:

bacon and donuts with butterscotch icing.

The Emancipation Proclamation

After the resounding success of Union forces at the Battle of Antietam, Lincoln has announced his preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, freeing all slaves in states currently in rebellion against the Union. Mission Accomplished!

Matthew Brady Studio presents "The Dead Of Antietam"

For Immediate Release:

Matthew Brady studio, home of world renowned photographer and portrait artist Matthew Brady, proudly presents a new series of images: THE DEAD OF ANTIETAM

These images, taken just days after this most glorious battle, depict the men of both sides upon the great battlefield. Mr. Brady, along with his assistants Alexander Gardner and Timothy O'Sullivan, have captured a unique view of war never seen by civilian eyes. No painting can ever do justice to battle, now that Mr. Brady has turned his famous lens upon these glorious scenes.

This exhibition has been hailed by The Times thusly:
"Mr. Brady has done something to bring home to us the terrible reality and earnestness of war. If he has not brought bodies and laid them in our dooryards and along streets, he has done something very like it."

Included in this press release are three images from Mr. Brady's exhibition, please consider using them in your publication.

Please address all inquiries to Matthew Brady Studio, New York NY

The Battle of Antietam

	Good morning!
	I've got you right where I want you, backed up against the river.
	I got to tell you I've been waiting for this
	Why don't you just surrender and save us all alot of trouble?
	Hmmmm after winning every battle up to this point...SIR I THINK NOT
	Well then you're asking for it
	Don't even bring that up it's so ridiculous.
	LOL
	Hooker is coming thru the Cornfield as we speak
	ROTFL
	We go them in our sights actually
	That's a whole Union Corps
	You're fucked!
	We've been setting up positions all night